July 25, 2019 (excerpt from “The Orphan’s Daughter”)

I began my journey down to The Boot 18 years ago today.

1. 18 years ago today was the last time I ever saw my mother. I didn’t know, but I think she did.

2. I grew up in a coastal state, but I had never actually been to the beach because my mom thought it was gross.

3. I left for college a month early so I could tag along on my cousin’s annual beach trip.

4. My mom made me a beach outfit of the leftover material from my prom dress. I got a beach picture for her, printed it out and mailed it to her. I found the photo on her nightstand; she had written “too cute” on it.

5. Before I left home I asked if I could have her nightstand. I fondly remember her foot pressed against it while she held a cigarette to her lips and lightly tapped her foot. It’s where she sat content, upset, angry, or restless.

6. The week before I left home my mom wanted me to stay in her room with her. She wanted to soak up as much time with me as possible, but she wouldn’t let me lie in her bed.

7. The day I left home my mom told my dad that he won, that he finally got me away from her.

8. My brother filmed the day I left home until my mom began to cry so hard that she forced him to stop. I have never seen that footage and I don’t want to.

9. My mom cried and cried and said “I’m never going to see you again.” I kept telling her that college has breaks and that I would be home multiple times throughout the year.

10. I took everything but my bed with me. I didn’t want my mom worrying about sending me something that I may have forgotten.

11. The day after I left home my mom began collecting items for a care package that she never sent because she never seemed to have everything in there. She asked the rest of the family to put letters in there for me.

12. I sent home more letters and cards in two months than I have ever sent to anyone in my life. In one of those letters I sent home my first published article. My mom called me excitedly and said “So, you are a journalist! I’m happy that you are doing what you always wanted to do. Are you getting paid?”

13. While my mom never got around to sending the care package, she sent lots of postcards and letters.

14. One month later — The day of my freshmen orientation block party there were gunshots. As we scattered about, we also got word that Aaliyah had died. I wasn’t really a fan, but for some reason I was so hurt. I talked to my mom about grief that night.

15. I started making friends and had less time to talk to my mom on the phone. The group of friends used to hang out by a tree. My mom left me a voicemail: “Whenever you’re done sitting under that fucking tree, you need to call home!”

16. The night I tried to call back. She didn’t answer. Then she called me at a very odd hour of the night because she couldn’t sleep. She recounted an eerie dream, held me on the phone as long as possible, then said “good night.”

17. I found my care package in my mom’s room. My 11-year-old nephew wrote a very short letter: “Nana went to the hospital, but she’s okay now.” I crawled into her bed and slept where she died.

18. I am 36-years-old — today marks half my life since the last time I saw my mother.